I thought words would come to me and I would be able to write them down.
I keep deleting every single word I write.
Somehow… they're not enough.
But here goes noting...
I saw her today.
I can’t believe it’s been six months already.
I saw her smiling.
I can’t believe she still takes my breath away.
I saw her.
I can’t believe she still has such an effect on me.
But how can I forget that soft sweet honey yellow and chocolate brown mixed up in those wondrous orbs?
I would have to be blind not to notice. Or dead.
Part of me wishes –wants— to cry. I keep closing my eyes, squeezing them tightly, to see if the stinging will either go away or bring forth the threatening tears.
God! I hope she’s happy. Truly, really, very happy. She deserves happiness, doesn’t she? Of course she does. She deserves all that and more. She deserves all that I couldn’t give her and then some. She’s earned it. She’s worthy of it. She’s owed it.
Stop it, goddamn you! Stop it!
Will it always be like this then? Will I see her and know that some part of me will die each day a little more? Hurting, dying… slowly… knowing its my own hell to pay.
Why does she still have such a hold on me? Why? I just don’t understand.
Enough, goddamn it! Stop! It’s over, remember?
Get over it already.
But maybe that’s the problem. I’m over it but I still remember. Oh and how well I remember. I remember everything. I lie awake and barely sleep just remembering. Just like that one guy in that one book… ‘No matter what happens, I never forget the people in my heart…’ and I’ve tried. Everyone knows I’ve tried.
I sigh, I remember. I close my eyes, I see her. I clean, I feel her. Her every gift is everywhere.
Get rid of them.
Are you mad, bro? I can’t. I won’t. Every memory, no mater how painful, is as dear to me as the blood in my veins. So forget that.
There’ll be others…
Sure. There have been. I’ve lost track. But none like her. In my heart —where ever that foolish thing has ended up in—she’s the first and the last.
But she doesn’t care.
Oh aye, I know. It may seem that way… But I know that she knows that I know her. I know that she has adapted. She acts as if she doesn’t care but it’s her defense mechanism. And it’s quite brilliant, actually. She’s put everything away and locked it in some part of her beautiful head. Oh, aye, I know. I also know that’s how she copes with things. I know her. She’s not thinking about it, but I know she remembers. She remembers everything just as well as I. She just knows how to keep it under lock and key… unlike me.
I always did admire that of her.
That thought makes me smile. I always knew she was smart. I kept telling her she was smarter than she gave herself credit for. It makes me feel proud. A pride that’s, if truth be told, not mine to claim. What am I but a distant, nagging memory of times past?
You know she doesn’t want anything more to do with you. Why are you even writing this?
Not to hurt her, certainly not. Not to make her remember, her stubborn brain won’t let her. Aren’t I allowed to let my thoughts explain whatever’s left of my feelings? I have every right. So shut up and let me finish.
To you, dearest Princess Mold, of beautiful honey and chocolate eyes, soft cute nose and breathtaking smile, I dedicate this prose.
I put pen to paper and thought of you once more.
I don’t regret it.
Please know this, and keep it well in mind, locked away in that vault where my heart surely rests…
I saw you today and I missed you.
I saw you today and I fell in love again.
I saw you today and I realize what I’ve lost.
I saw you today and I can’t stop…
Thinking… wishing… hoping… that someday… I’ll be able to hear from you again.
Best of wishes for you always.
Yours truly, and forever, as well you know,
~King Snail ~C
You always were a god-rotten stupid love-sick fool. But if this helps... So be it.